Identity Crisis!
I remember when we were kids (my sister and I)… she was always losing things somehow! Her pencils, sharpeners, even books at times… and she simply wouldn’t be able to find them! Either Mom or I had to eventually come to her rescue! All her things were found exactly where she’d left them of course; the only trouble was she never could remember where that place would be!
I used to find it totally indigestible! For me, everything was in a fixed order… you do this, then you do that, then you go there and pick that up, and leave it on that shelf. 1-2-3-4… and so on. All numbered steps. Always in the same sequence. And I could repeat that sequence even when I was half asleep! So I could never understand how one would forget where they’d kept something. Bottomline: I always thought she was just plain careless.
Ahh! But those who say that “history repeats itself” are so very correct! So many years later, I come to the realization that she was not careless; she was just… non-linear in her approach!
. . .
Until less than 2 years ago, everything in my life had a definite place on a fixed path. Like a clockwork machine. There was just one way of doing anything. Hence, there was never any confusion. But now, I seem to have become more abstract in my thinking. My mind simply wouldn’t follow the same logical path each time it is told to do something. And I have no way of knowing which path it might take on some particular day.
Oh but the bigger problem is that I also have no way of knowing whether it will ever be able to return to the same route again! End result: I am also losing my things now! Not exactly “losing” them permanently, but, like it used to happen with my sis, I simply can’t recall where I kept them!
Major source of frustration for my Dad, ‘coz you see, he has never been used to seeing me like this! Every other day, I’m rummaging through all the cupboards & drawers in the house, looking for something or the other. It’s like “If I thought I might use it after doing XYZ, then I might have kept it here… or maybe I thought I would need it with PQR… or perhaps I might have grouped it with LMN…???” And the mental torture continues… following different paths in the maze of my mind... until one strikes finally! Phewwww!
Please don’t get me wrong here… I don’t live in a perpetual mess! The above might give you the impression that my room is always littered with all my stuff… but nothing could be farther from the truth! I’m still very neat. I still keep everything in perfect order… it’s just that I don’t remember later what order I’d put them in!
For example, earlier, the clothes in my almirah were always arranged color-wise. No deviation from this rule ever. And within each color also, there was a definite order in which the dresses hung. I could tell my sister from the other room that I wanted “the 5th blue suit from the right”, and she’d get the right one. But now… oh things are so very different now!
At times I hang my dresses color-wise (could be in the order of same color, contrast colors, different colors in same tone alternating with each other); at other times I might put them in the order of casual-to-party; and at even other times, I might arrange them length-wise (long kurtas, mid-length ones, shorter ones)! So telling my Sis from the other room where a certain piece of clothing might be found in my almirah is not even a possibility now!
And the same funda applies with practically everything else in the house… from the spice-jars in the kitchen to the books in the 4 different locations I have for them in my house! A big M-E-S-S! And on top of all that, my Dad says HE can’t understand why I have suddenly turned into my sister! Ohhhhh! He couldn’t even begin to imagine my own confusion and frustration at this unexpected change in me! Seen the movie “Bourne Identity”? Remember how Jason Bourne feels when he doesn’t remember who he is and why he’s doing whatever he’s doing? That should give you some idea!
Actually, to be very honest, I think I know the reason why this change is happening. (That still doesn’t make it any easier to accept, by the way!) But, any attempt to explain it to you guys would be beyond the scope of this post… even this blog, in fact! I would have to write an entire novel about my life! But then I would also have to become famous before I write that novel… otherwise who’d pay money to buy my autobiography!
Anyways… the fact remains that whatever those undisclosed reasons may be, I am not going back to my old self. Period. I know it’s frustrating for people who have known me for years to see me behave in ways they are just not used to… but hey, it’s even more nerve-racking for me to be gradually losing my complete identity… the one that I have associated myself with for almost 30 years! So just have a little bit of patience… and get used to it… and also help ME get used to it!
Marriage seems to be a major stress point in the Indian society... both for males as well as females.
